My friend, who always asks poignant timely questions, requested her facebook friends weigh in on our definitions of compromise.  It’s been my experience that whenever you’re questioning compromise, you’re grappling with the core values of your life.  I instinctively responded to her post, “Giving in without giving up yourself in the process.”

Compromise (Photo from www.calbuzz.com)

Several responses later my friend interjected into the threaded discussion, “If you don’t compromise, does it mean you are selfish deep down?”

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‘Tis the season – for gifting.  Gift giving was always something in my relationships – romantic and otherwise – I looked forward to.  Not necessarily because I was lacking “things,” but because I was curious to see what “things” my special people thought most appropriate for me.  It was an unspoken way of quoting the significance of each other in our lives, of better understanding our roles in relationship to each other, of making value tangible.

Hate Your Gift??? (Photo from www.lovelyish.com)

That all went out the window with my husband.

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I’m on vacation, sort of…

Unplugged or Not! (Photo from www.crresearch.com)

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For the longest time, before my husband was my husband and up until about six months ago, he and I had a relationship full of alone time.  We started off long distance, when missing each other constantly was a way of life.  When he moved to Vegas, we transitioned from nothing to everything as he set up work and re-established himself in his hometown.  Then, it was a nonstop changing schedule for years, up through our first year of marriage.  We had very few days off together, which had its ups and downs:  we bickered because we missed each other, we were productive in each other’s absences;  our time together was rare and special.  Recently, we shared a stretch where for the first time – ever – we were truly on the same schedule:  early mornings with alarms before 5 a.m., early to bed, weekends off but busy with errands and preparations for the week ahead.  Outside of work we were together.

Some Time Alone (Photo from www.datingish.com)

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Team Collins.

I had to change my name when we got married because we had to be Team Collins.

Team Collins (Photo from www.authentictitansfanshop.com)

I loved my husband, but at the time, I loved my last name equally as much.  For lots of reasons:  it signified my family heritage, most of my friends called me by it, all that I had been and worked to become was wrapped up in that name.  I knew the world as a Tegano.

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One of the reasons I felt very good about marrying my husband was that I believed we would have an equal marriage, one where we both gave and received in equal proportion to each other.  I do, you do, we do.  My turn, your turn.  Yes, this was a preoccupation of mine because I was petrified of somehow losing myself or giving up parts of myself to move from “me” to “we”.  Consequently, prior to saying, “I do,” we shared innumerable conversations about roles and responsibilities, supporting each others’ goals, even one day down the road envisioning how we would each contribute to raising our children.  We were clearly on the same page with shared intentions and a common understanding of each others’ expectations for ourselves – if not completely – mostly.

Be Generous with Your Time (Photo from www.fbcg.com)

However, as the reality of different work schedules and commitments, varying interests and personal goals has set in, I have had to wonder if equality in marriage is really possible?

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